Before:

1:Another example, is from the TED Talk, “How Painting can transform communities”, with Haas and Hahn. These two individual sent a positive message through their city wide mural whose message reached much farther than the town itself.

2:The EA argues that art is just for an individual, however that just isn’t true.

After:

1:Another example, is from the TED Talk, “How Painting can transform communities”, with Haas and Hahn. Their work resulted in the headline from The Guardian “ Notorious slum becomes open-air gallery”(Haas 1:57). These two individuals were able to send a positive message through their city wide mural whose message reached much farther than the town itself.

2:The EA argues that art is just for an individual, “Artists, meanwhile, paint the beautiful landscape in front of them while the rest of the world burns”(Southan 437). The EA argues that artists don’t care about others and don’t benefit them, however this just isn’t true.

Notes:

These two quotations are the beginning of my large revision process. My free draft had evidence but no supporting quotes. This made it easy to go in and find quotes that would solidify my evidence and overall strengthen my paper. This is the main step in my revision process. To add quotes I used the ‘sandwich’ technique from “They Say, I Say”. This means a introduced my quote, put in the quote, and then followed up my quote and connected it to my essay. Using this technique I have been able to increase the quality of my essay.