Before:

Introduction:

We find it everywhere. From the streets we walk to the web we surf, art is all around us. In fact, it is hard to imagine a world without any art at all. However, is art actually useful, or is it a waste of time? An organization called Effective Altruism would argue that art is a self-indulgent waste of time. Fuelled by a motto of happiness and long life, the EA ( Effective Altruists ) would say there are much better ways to spend your time. But are they right? For an example, friends Haas and Hahn were able to change whole communities using nothing but art. So back to the question, is art a waste of time? Absolutely not, and those who say it is don’t really understand the power of art. Art can inspire, teach, or bring change. It is a tool available to all of mankind. To argue art is a waste of time would be just as absurd as calling math or science a waste of time. Art is just as capable of purpose as the actions of the EA.

Body Paragraph 1:

Art is capable of being a powerful form of communication. Art, whether it be a form of writing, a painting, or a play. Is capable of sending messages various crowds of people. For an example, the Catholic church had numerous paintings commissioned in order to spread biblical stories. Another example, is from the TED Talk with Haas and Hahn. These two individual sent a positive message through their city wide mural whose message reached much farther than the town itself. These two examples both display two key points about arts potential  in communication. First, art is capable of sending a message. And second, communication from art can be extremely influential and widespread. The message art sends can reach people all across the world and even from different time periods. Overall, art is one of the best long-term forms of communication.

After:

We find it everywhere. From the streets we walk to the web we surf, art is all around us; from the city streets, to the music in our phones. In fact, it is hard to imagine a world without any art at all. However, is art actually worth our time? An organization called Effective Altruism would argue that art is a self-indulgent waste of time. Fueled by a motto of happiness and long life, the EA ( Effective Altruists ) would say that getting a high paying money and donating a large amount of your income would be a much better use of your time. But are they right? For an example, friends Haas and Hahn were able to change whole communities using nothing but art. So back to the question, is art a waste of time? Absolutely not, and those who say it is don’t really understand the power of art. I believe art can inspire, teach, or bring change. It is a tool available to all of mankind. To argue art is a waste of time would be just as absurd as calling math or science a waste of time. Art is just as capable of purpose as the actions of the EA.

Body Paragraph 1:

Art is capable of being a powerful form of communication. Art, whether it be a form of writing, a painting, or a play, is capable of sending messages to various crowds of people. For an example, the Catholic church had numerous paintings commissioned in order to spread biblical stories. Another example, is from the TED Talk, “How Painting can transform communities”, with Haas and Hahn. These two individual sent a positive message through their city wide mural whose message reached much farther than the town itself. These two examples both display two key points about arts potential  in communication. First, art is capable of sending a message. And second, communication from art can be extremely influential and widespread. The message art sends can reach people all across the world and even from different time periods. Overall, art is one of the best long-term forms of communication; it is able to reach across the globe and can travel through thousands of years.

Notes:

First off let me say editing may paragraphs was much more challenging then I first imagined. I had a sense of pride over my first draft, so to change it was quite a task. However I was able to bring myself to begin my edits. The Little Seagull Handbook reiterated what my peers said; I should work on how the sentences really contribute to my main point. In my head my sentences connected, but the reader could not see this connection. This meant rewording sentences to make more sense to the reader. Another suggestion my peers gave was adding evidence and giving context on Southan’s article. However, I am going to address these issues later in my revision process because I want to see where different quote and the context on Southan will fit the best and make the most sense.